I woke up this morning, as I do almost every morning, with that same damn word reverberating in my brain. Well, it speaks a little more softly at that hour, but there it was – as always.
I should get up.
And last night, as I surged through my usual late night energy burst clearing out my in-box and writing down ideas and lists:
I should go to bed
And all day long:
I should exercise. I should go outside. I should call my sister. I should work in the garden. I should clean the bathroom. I should write my blog.
Should should should.
Takes all the fun out of any activity I may be contemplating.
I know the common answer to this dilemma. Transform the word ‘should’ to another more empowered phrase: “I want to get up now”
Or, “I get to.”
I get to work in the garden. I get to go grocery shopping. I get to clean the bathroom.
Okay, well that last may be a stretch. But it could be I want to clean the bathroom because I feel so much better when it’s clean.
But old habits die hard. Every morning, there it is again.
I should get up.
Really, I want to get up.
I want to get going on all the cool things I have planned for my day (Well, except for those days that I’m dreading. Like when I have an unpleasant conversation to face, or a task to do that I’m scared of – but even then there’s usually at least one or two things to look forward too. Like food!)
What’s really going on here? Who’s in charge anyway?
I hereby declare that I’m taking charge of my own freaking brain! I want to take back the reins. That whip-cracking should-saying Bitchy Inner Critic doesn’t get them any more!
I mean where does ‘should’ come from anyway? Is it ever appropriate?
Even more egregious is: “You should.” And oops, guilty here too. In the most well-meaning way (I like to think.)
It happens when I’m talking with friends who may be seeking some wisdom or advice on any topic.
“You should start taking a multivitamin” “You should take some arnica and turmeric.” “You should eat breakfast, really you’ll be amazed it can help you lose weight.” “You should ask him if he’s willing to talk honestly about this….” And on and and on.
Should, should, should.
It could be: “I suggest….,” or “How about…..” “What if….. ”
Lots of alternatives to should.
So why is that damn word wedged so firmly in my vocabulary??
Here’s a challenge I’m giving myself (and it’s going to be so freaking hard!)
For the next week, 7 days, every single time it pops up, I will replace the word ‘should’ with a more empowering alternative. Well, at least every time that I consciously notice it.
As I mentioned I’ve tried this practice before, but only half-heartedly. I never declared such a full-on challenge. I never even told anyone I was going to do it.
This time I want to see if I can once and for all kick ‘should’ out of my brain.
I will track my progress throughout the day, writing down how I choose to rephrase ‘should.’ (Not every single time or I’d probably do nothing else all day. But I’ll document it every few hours so I can really see what’s up here.)
I’m realizing that this is a foundational step for anyone to move toward their dreams at midlife – or any time really.
If you’re haunted by ‘shoulds’, when will you ever dig into what you really want? What you dream of?
Wanna join me in this challenge? How many times does ‘should’ barge into your internal conversation?
And, can you think of any times the word ‘should’ IS appropriate?
Tell me in the comments.
Love,
Sounds like you think you *should* stop saying “should,” Sarah. ;-DI think it’s less about using the word “should” and more about whether or not you are making a conscious choice about what you’re doing versus following someone else’s agenda or doing things out of a sense of obligation.I agree on avoiding “You should,” though. That usually doesn’t land too well, and I know it really gets my back up when someone tells me what I should do. I’ve been working on that one too–both saying “You should” and my reaction when others say it to me.Great food for thought, as usual, Sarah!
@Sue_Mitchell
I love this take on the subject, Sue.
LOL, interesting take, @Sue_Mitchell . True it could be about semantics. But in the case of talking to myself, when I say ‘should’ it’s with that critical, ‘you’re not doing it right’ vibe. So I’m ready to change that. And examine what’s behind the urge to even think I need to something (different than what I am doing) in the first place. Do I WANT to do it? If so why? If it’s a good reason then I can encourage myself in a loving way, instead of barking out ‘shoulds’ (Since I guess I’ve figured out by now that THAT method doesn’t work out so well!)
In the case of talking with others, it is a bit of semantics. I’m not meaning it as a judgement but as a response and suggestion. But using that word might create a subconscious resistance in the person I’m talking to, and trying to help. (Well, usually. Sometimes if it’s my kids maybe I am being a little bit of a controlling bitch.)
thanks so much for the thoughtful comment.
@saraho Right–same with me on “You should.” I’m trained as a coach not to jump in and give advice, but with my family, especially, I can find myself using the “You should” phrasing. It’s not a judgment and I don’t even necessarily think they should, LOL. It’s just a thought. So I want to present it that way, rather than posing it as a “should.” I think that’s what you’re doing with your no-shoulds challenge too, no? By changing the phrasing, the feeling of judgment is removed.
Aha! You busted yourself, Sarah! Both for “shoulding” on yourself and others.
And I’m right there with ya, sista!
I am also a terrible should-er. Not so much with others (except now I’m going to notice if this is really true or not), but definitely with myself. And some of them are the exact ‘shoulds’ you were talking about. And a lot more. I’m pretty sure I am the Queen of Internal Shoulds.
Okay, forget the damn crown – it’s not one I want, anyway. I’m with you on this 7-day anti-should gig! I’m going to try to remain conscious about when and where and how I use it and see what I can do to replace it with something more empowering and less destructive.
I hope you’re planning on posting about this in 7 days so we can compare notes!
Well if it was a ‘should’ contest @BobbiEmel , I’m pretty sure I would win the Queen title. But who the hell wants that?? I’ll definitely report back on this 7-day experiment. It’s been interesting so far. I’m noticing that just getting conscious about it for one day the shoulds have diminished. But that might just be the big rush of enthusiasm with beginning something new. That’s why I set the 7-day challenge up. See if I can honestly stick with it!
I’m also already coming up with all kinds of more creative and loving ways to express my desires to myself. And thinking more deeply about the ‘whys’ behind them.
I hate Should. He’s a dirty little thing, hiding his obligation-energy behind the well-meaning mask of, “Your life will be better if.” The etymology of the word should has its original meaning as obligation, and nothing that’s an obligation carries willingness about it. Even if you want to–it puts that energy out there. LOVE it.
Ha ha @Ellen Berg , you can always make me laugh! I’m picturing this slimy little Gollum-like creature named ‘should’ sneaking around and trying to get inside my brain. And I guess “I feel obligated” is his creepy sidekick! I am so damn ready to show these jerks to the door and get on with what really matters!
I used to say, “Don’t should on yourself!” I haven’t been able to think of any time that it is actually a useful word…..I’ll let you know if I come up with something.
Good one@Loran Hills ! I’ve heard it before but forgotten about it. Funny, I wonder who came up with this stupid word anyway?
I agree that “should” is a nasty, toxic word — it just oozes shame and “you’re not dong it right.” I have also tried reframing to “I want” before, but it has never worked well for me because my brain knows I’m lying. I don’t WANT to clean the bathroom — I want a clean bathroom, but I don’t WANT to clean it. Anything that the word “should” applies to is, by definition, something I don’t want to do! For example, I never have to say “I should eat this muffin” or “I should check my Facebook” — that would be silly, because I actually want to do those things. My brain is not so easily fooled!
I’m trying to think what works better for me. I guess it’s something like “I don’t really want to clean the bathroom, but it’s worth it to me because I like a clean bathroom.” But honestly, I don’t know if I even get that detailed. I just wait until the bathroom so noticeably needs cleaning that the balance tips and I just find myself doing it.
One thing I have noticed is that there are a lot of “shoulds” that really don’t need to be done at all. I only think they do because I’m worried about what other people think. The less I worry about that, the fewer “shoulds” come up and the more time I have to do the things I actually really want to do.
Good luck with your challenge! Can’t wait to hear how it goes.
So many good points you make @LynnHess, especially this last about how so many of these ‘shoulds’ don’t really need to be done at all. That’s one insight that’s popping up during my little challenge. I have to laugh at some of the things I’m telling myself I ‘should’ do! It’s actually taking me into a deeper examination about why I think I need, want or am obliged to do things. Other times I realize I’m just using the wrong word. It’s a creepy tactic of my inner critic to keep me feeling small. And so, quite a good exercise to be more mindful of my language to myself!
I use the word need to replace should for things I sometimes don’t want to or feel like doing, like a sink full of dishes. Should puts me in resistance, but need (most of the time) attracts me to what I’ll get out of having a clean/empty sink. And I make the experience as joyful and sensual as possible. With music to bob my booty to while I wash. Or more meditative music to relax into the quite soothing task. My senses enjoy the bubble, the feel & sound of the warm water. The squeek of the clean. And then the next time I sometimes actually WANT to do the dishes before the sink is actually full, lol.
So interesting @Lisa_Faulkner how words have such different connotations for different people! Someone else said (maybe not here, maybe on FB or something) that “need” was another culprit word for her – and it just made her feel crummy and obligated! “Should”, however, seems to induce a universal reaction of resistance! Love the thought of turning the necessity of washing dishes into a booty shaking blast – or conversely a soothing meditation. I’ve done both with my dish washing time for sure. Let’s just leave the ‘shoulds’ out of it!
Thanks so much for stopping by the blog – great to see you here!
@saraho @Lisa_Faulkner Hmm, interesting. Maybe need is equivalent to should in her case. For me it’s linked to my balanced emotions. For example, if I feel lonely I might need to get together with a friend or ask my hubby for a hug. If I feel tense I might need to stretch or go for a walk. Sadness means I need to shed some tears. Just today a friend suggested that desire = need + want. I’m still contemplating that one. On another topic this is a cool bit of commenting software. I bookmarked it to look into for my own blog. I’m going to experiment with leaving the ‘buts’ too. That resonated with me in @PaigeBurkes comments. Glad I stopped by too (was a twitter link that attracted me).
Yes I think I agree with you about ‘need’ @Lisa_Faulkner . I mean who can argue with the power of “I need a hug!” I think it’s just all about what the words mean in our own individual brains and psyches.
And yes, the LIveFyre commenting system is pretty awesome. I’m enjoying it though some people dislike it. It does require people to be logged in via their site on FB, Twitter, etc. so sometimes I worry that it might discourage comments. But I’m sticking with it for now.
Glad you saw that Twitter link! I’ve been enjoying your stuff since I encountered it over on AYWM – and might even want to interview you someday about how you got your midlife mojo back dancing with that pole! I’m in awe still!
@saraho How’s your ‘should’ challenge going? What words are working for you? This is the first time I’ve encountered LiveFrye. It doesn’t seem to be effecting comments. I’m impressed. How is it at filtering out spam? That’s been a big issue for me. I disabled comments after experimenting with removing the captcha, which I know people hate. I don’t like it either. I’ve also run into problems on other sites with my comments disappearing. This has been so smooth and easy.I’m thrilled and honored to hear that you might like to interview me. I’d be honored. I love that phrase midlife mojo. Life is better than ever. More sexually alive at 45 (okay 46 now) than I was at 25! I’m launching a couple projects soon – a call for submissions for an anthology about the transformational effects of dance. And workshops for women to ignite and fuel their feminine fire. I’ll be sure to check in when they’re live. And please don’t hesitate to ask when you’re ready.
It’s working way better than I imagined@Lisa_Faulkner . It’s uncanny what a little conscious attention will do. Interestingly, I’m finding that ‘need’ works out just fine for me and doesn’t carry a lot of baggage or call out my inner rebel brat. I also like “want to” and “Let’s” (I talk to myself a lot, I guess I think I’m 2 people LOL).
Pretty good so far with Livefyre, just a few complaints: mostly about the signing in and one person just asked me why they get emails of followup comments. But I told her she can click unsubscribe to make those go away. Captcha definitely sucks and is no good! Glad you got rid of that!
I’m so intrigued by the way you (and Sheila) describe how pole dancing ignites and revitalizes your natural eroticism and makes you feel beautiful and sexy. (Although I’m still a bit scared to try it – and not much opportunity to do so in my small community). I’ll be in touch about interview as I get closer. Thanks for the comments and feedback!
@saraho I love hearing about how applying conscious attention/awareness is changing your experience. I’m noticing that in my life with nature (sun, trees, now flowers). And I talk to myself too! Sometimes out loud, lol. Glad to know I’m not alone. I need to make time soon to try Livefyre and get rid of Captcha (sadly still have it, know I need/want to be rid of it). Livefyre install going on my soon do list.Pole dancing is a key part of the journey for me to my erotic power and feeling beautiful and sexy. The heart & soul of it is more about becoming embodied, focusing on sensuality. This can be done without a pole. So many potential paths. I experienced changes (eg found myself sashaying my hips in the grocery store one winter day! ) just from reading the S Factor book and doing the workout at home with DVDs. I have friends who had similar experiences with burlesque and other kinds of dance. Even photo shoots! I’m sure you’ll find what you want/need when you are ready. If you ever want to chat or brainstorm I’d be happy to. Every woman desrve
A couple years ago I joined a couple other women to notice and erase the following words from our vocabulary: should, would, could, but and just. Ever since then I’ll catch myself about to say them and stop and choose something different. ’But’ and ‘just’ belittle and negate things that are said in the same sentence. All the ‘ould’s’ are full of judgment and guilt for not conforming to the standards of others.
It’s definitely a challenge but worth it any time we take the time to be mindful of the words we choose and our underlying thoughts. That’s where real change happens.
I know you can do it Sarah! And not because your B.I.C. thinks you should.
Wow @PaigeBurkes , you’re way ahead of me! I’m actually don’t mind ‘could’ that much as it just represents to me a way to look at possibility. Um – I could probably get rid of ‘but’ and ‘just’ though – especially in my writing. I’m constantly going through and editing out those words – which indicates how entrenched they are in my vocabulary! I don’t know if I’d go so far as to eliminate them completely because I think they do serve a purpose on occasion, ‘BUT’ it would serve me well to examine it each and every time I use them.
Thanks for getting me thinking once again!
You’ve set me up for the next challenge Paige! For now though I’ll focus on one ‘should’ as a time
Sarah – You are sooooo speaking my language. I love your challenge and looking forward to hearing how it goes. Sometimes the ‘shoulds’ of my life are really just time and energy sappers. By identifying our “shoulds” from our “have to’s” sometimes it will eliminate the tasks we really do NOT have to do. I “should” call my sister….but I do not “have to” – so sometimes I don’t. Other times I remind myself of the convienence of my life – like washing dishes with hot water, in a sink, running water or a dishwasher – rather the options the majority of the world has. So I am learning appreciation for my life circumstances and eliminating many “shoulds” from my life.
P.S. I LOVE the “hot sauce sass” you dished out in this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay @JaneRobinson , I’m glad you’re loving the hot sauce sass!
And yes, you make a huge point about how noticing ‘should’ helps to distinguish between what is truly necessary and what is not. And an even more important one when you point out that some of these things we resist doing might actually be considered a privilege by a lot of folks. Then we’re really talking about ‘getting to’ clean the bathroom – wow, indoor plumbing! Or the joy of washing dishes in hot soapy water. It’s all about perspective, isn’t it?
Sarah,
You are right. Should crops up far too often. I’m not joining in the challenge, but I will definitely try to see how often I actually say it
Good luck with the challenge. I look forward to hearing how your experiment goes.
@kaizenjournaling It’s amazing what a difference it has made just to be conscious of when I say it (or think it, which happens more often.) I don’t know about you, but so far just that recognition has begun a shift in how I speak to myself. I’ll be reporting in a few days.
For some reason I feel like I am much better at this one than ever. Maybe it’s the Hawaii thing. People tend to slow down a bit, and the shoulds somehow don’t seem so prevalent. I certainly have things I want to get done but I don’t have the urgency of “should” like I used to. I’m going to view it as a good thing!
@bigislanddog I love the slowed down vibe of the tropics! I’m not surprised to hear that ‘should’ is not on the top of everyone’s tongue in the land of ‘hang loose!’ Also, though, I bet it’s because you’ve been consciously paying attention to what makes you feel good that you’ve tapered way back on the ‘shoulds.’ Yay!
So well-put! I’m definitely in in this challenge. Thanks for the push
@danasitar So glad you’re joining me! You can check out my update to the 7-day challenge posted this week. But I’m still holding up the challenge to myself. Takes a while to catch all those sneaky little ‘shoulds’!
I heard a wonderful phrase once – we need to stop ‘shoulding’ on ourselves! Looking forward to hearing how you go Sarah